Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
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Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy