Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
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Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
The Birdles
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.