@Home_Halfway: Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
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@markleggett: A man who calls himself "Dog the Bounty Hunter" is currently hunting down a man named "War Machine". We all live inside a comic book now.
@onion_an: Wife: Who is it? Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it's now illegal to fake throw a ball Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
@myconfusedface: Me and be Jealous?... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ... Who is McDonald's and why are you 'lovin it'?
@TheToddWilliams: [family therapy] JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference DOC: Why do you do that? ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond