Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
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KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
can’t talk my ride’s here
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*