Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
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I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK