Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
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Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Seems a bit forward
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.