Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
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Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work