Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
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Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.