Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
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What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.