Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
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Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
cat vs inanimate object
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened