Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
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Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.