Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
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FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Bill is short for Billiam
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.