Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
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I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out