Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
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I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I was bored.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.