[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
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I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
me, too, girl. me, too.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars