Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
You Might Also Like
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
no regrets
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”