Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
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Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*