[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.