Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
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Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Herpes is trending, good job people
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
not seeing the problem
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted