The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
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When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
My circle of trust is a meatball
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!