Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
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*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.