Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
You Might Also Like
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
not for long
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied