{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
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overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.