[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
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Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!