[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
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Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then