Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
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To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.