[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
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McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
subtitles are so good nowadays
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?