texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
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wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe