[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
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Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Bike is short for Bichael.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
she has a point
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Watermelon Boss!
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.