[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
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[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update