Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
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I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?