Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
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#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*