*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
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I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.