God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
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me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
October already? What’s next? November????
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy