help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
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You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!