My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
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I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.