[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
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The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Smooooooth
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
sugar glider wrangler
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.