Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
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bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.