Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
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Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
A drum solo but on your face.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.