Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
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So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut