People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
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Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
*frowns in Scottish*
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.