*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
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Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.