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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
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When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
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The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
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You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
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[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!