*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
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This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
men, we mow at sunrise.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
back to work
#math
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.