“TGIM!” – My liver
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PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no