@summerofbenny: "TGIM!" - My liver
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@Reverend_Scott: "HULK WANT LOAN." Bank: "We can't loan to people like you." "GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??" Bank: "No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage."
@aguywithnolife: brought a knife onto a flight just so the security agents would tackle me because sometimes it's just nice to be held.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
@JonasPolsky: I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio -- so I committed suicide twice.