thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
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*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Google assistant rules
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!