Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
You Might Also Like
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
“Sheer Arrogance”
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING