A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
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Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
War & Peace
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.