Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
You Might Also Like
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Whoa 😂
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
i think my razor is having a panic attack