Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
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I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
peeping toms
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Just how popey was the pope today?
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*