@Jazzzzzmina: Thank God I wasn't on twitter when I was in college. It would've taken me 65 years to get my degree.
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@shutupmikeginn: I like watching documentaries about murderers because i know i'm doing better than every person in the movie.
@BuckyIsotope: "What's up, doc?" says Bugs Bunny. "Not you," laughs the doctor. "Take these little blue pills." *Looney Tunes music plays*
@marinhubka: You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If "mom" is even your real name... [Neighbor to mom] hi Susan! *kid faints*