@Jazzzzzmina: Thank God I wasn't on twitter when I was in college. It would've taken me 65 years to get my degree.
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@SamGrittner: *job interview* "Where do you see yourself in five years?" "Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface."
@Canadian_Cutie_: My voicemail greeting: Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don't get a notification.
@thenatewolf: Women are so confusing, one day they say they love hummus and then the next day they say it’s a bad birthday present.