Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
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Proctology is located in A55
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman